Harry Goes to Africa
by Schizophrenic-unicorn
Summary: After the fiasco that was the Triwizard Tournament, Harry's most often ignored self-preservation instincts make themselves heard and demand that he get the hell outta dodge.
1. Escape

Harry was really tired of people trying to kill him at school. This year marked the fourth time an attempt had been made on his life and he was starting to get pretty cheesed off.

The Triwizard Tournament had been a really bad idea from start to finish and now Cedric was dead and Voldemort was solid and mostly human shaped; and he was sent back to the Dursleys for a summer of being ignored and fed a bare minimum, like an old boot that wasn't needed anymore.

Minister Fudge hadn't even believed that Moldyshorts was back! Harry could tell that until Fudge pulled his head out of his bucket of sand he would be a pain in the arse.

Why did everything have to happen to him? Why couldn't these things happen to some other poor sap with a meteorological symbol carved on his forehead?

Then again, why did he put up with it in the first place? He was just a fourteen year old teenager! Perhaps it was time to leave…

His uncle had been more than happy to get rid of him and Hedwig and it had taken hardly any convincing to get him to drop him off at Charing Cross Road. Now he was happily wandering through the shops in Diagon Alley buying all sorts of odds and ends that might come in handy while he enjoyed his newfound freedom and independence.

As he was wandering past Knockturn Alley he just happened to turn his head and he just happened to see a sign a few shops in shaped like a ship that read 'Jack's Ocean Transport'.

His interest piqued, he moseyed on over and entered the poky little hole in the wall that was masquerading as a shop. The inside was little better than the outside and his entrance had stirred up what seemed to be a hundred years worth of dust.

Once his sneezing fit was over, Harry looked up and started a bit when he noticed the man at the counter staring at him and looking amused. The mans eyes were very dark; he had dreadlocks and was dressed like a pirate.

He also had a rather disturbing grin stretched across his face.

Like with all his other adventures, Harry ignored his common sense and his screaming self-preservation instincts and stepped forward letting the door gently close behind him.

"Ello! Welcome to Jack's Ocean Transport, how can I help you?"

Harry was a bit taken aback by such a friendly greeting from a shopkeeper in Knockturn Alley but didn't show it.

"Um… Hi… Could you perhaps tell me what exactly it is you do?"

"Well, of course I can." He was still grinning that disturbing grin and it was making Harry feel a bit nervous.

"For a …small… fee I take customers, like yourself, to wherever it is that you're wanting to go, by sea, on my beautiful ship."

What luck! He had stumbled upon the very thing he needed and if this wasn't a sign from whatever had kept him alive up till now then he didn't know what was.

"You will take me anywhere I want to go?"

"Anywhere."

"Great! Then I accept! "

His disturbing grin stretched even wider and Harry reckoned he could see his molars now. Oblivious to the icy wash of dread down his back that the maniacal facial expression inspired, Harry shook hands with the now identified Jack and handed over the twenty Galleon fee.

"So, where is it that you are wanting to go?"

It didn't take long for Harry to decide, there had always been a country that he had wanted to visit and now that he had the chance he sure as hell wasn't letting it go!

"Africa"


	2. Dear Sirius

_Dear Sirius,_

_After what happened this past year at Hogwarts and the previous years, I have decided that it is time to put an end to all. _

_Now don't panic, I haven't decided to off myself, I've just decided to leave Britain. Once I have a permanent place of residence I will let you know and then perhaps you can come and join me, if you wish. Maybe I'll even invite Remus along too._

_Did you know that there were more of those ships that Durmstrang used to get to Hogwarts? Well there are and I'm on one right now! It really is quite fascinating being able to see all the marine life as we go by, and the charms to keep the air dome up are really quite ingenious._

_Me and the Captain get along quite well but when we land I don't think I will miss him that much, he's kind of creepy and hardly stops grinning and its beginning to get on my nerves. The only time he actually stopped was yesterday when we surfaced so that we could get some fresh air (Did the Durmstrang ship need to do that? I don't think anyone asked.) And while we were up there a giant squid grabbed the ship. The Captain went this funny grey colour, which was quite impressive because he is very tanned, and started screaming something about a Kraken – whatever that is; he then ran to his cabin and hid under his bed. It really was quite funny actually. Anyway, I gave the squid some bread and tickled it tentacles for a bit and it let us go without a fuss. _

_It nice to know that the Hogwarts squid is not the only friendly Giant Squid around. The Captain took a bit of convincing but I eventually managed to lure him out from under his bed with a bottle of rum; he kept on looking around as if he expected something to grab the ship and tear it to pieces, he's almost as paranoid about it as Mad-Eye is about Constant Vigilance. When I told him how I made the squid let go he starred at me as if I was the one that had been hiding under the bed, calling for his mummy. He then spent the rest of the day getting drunk and singing obscene songs in a very bad falsetto voice; it's a good thing that he showed me how to steer the ship, else we would have crashed into some rocks._

_How's everyone back home? Don't forget to tell them I'm fine and that they mustn't worry about me._

_I found a lot of interesting things in this little junk shop in Diagon Alley, though I could have sworn that it hadn't been there before but it looked like it had been there for years. How strange._

_Love Harry_

_Ps. Please give Hedwig some bacon, there isn't any on the ship and I think she's going through withdrawal. _


	3. Meanwhile in the Headmasters office

Meanwhile in the Headmasters office at Hogwarts, a little curious silver instrument was releasing thin wisps of steam that had in the past day, gone from white to a steadily darkening red.

The Headmaster, if he had seen it, would have dropped everything and summoned the Order of Fried Chickens and sent them to Surrey, where they would've found… nothing.

For the Dursley's, free of the so-called Freak for the first Summer ever, had decided to take a spontaneous holiday and were even now onboard a plane bound for Hawaii; for the next two months the people populating the Island would be subjected to the disgusting, emotionally scarring sight of the Dursley's in bathing costumes and business for therapists would sky rocket to never before seen levels.

Due to an unfortunate event, i.e.: Fawkes somehow managing to spike his Lemon Drops with an extremely potent laxative, the Headmaster was otherwise occupied and hence did not see the silver instruments curious actions, nor as a matter of fact, did the portraits of all the previous headmasters and headmistress's of Hogwarts due to the fact that they were all for once, well and truly asleep and not just pretending.

By the time the Headmaster was feeling secure enough to leave the confines of his lavatory, the little instrument, feeling that its purpose had been fulfilled had ceased production of its steam and now rested silent and not about to move again until it had had a good long snooze.

It would be only until a week later that the Headmaster would happen to rest his gaze on a well-rested silver thinamajiggy, which was just starting to release little wisps of red steam…


End file.
